The State of California is in desperate need of rain. In fact, we could probably use a few weeks of constant downpour for our reserves to be at an acceptable level. However, as my week went, with an automatic minivan door which completely stopped working, a work environment that did not seem to lighten up and a medical situation which seemed I was free and clear of (but am not), I could have used some sunlight and a LOT of alcohol.
I look at the mirror on occasion. Right before I get in the shower. Not at any tattoos I have branded on myself but at the scars on my midsection. They serve not only as reminders of my surgeries but of all the chronic pain and if last night is any indicator, of how mindful I must be of my health…because surgeons are not miracle workers. All the parts I have left are still in this one body I have; I have to take care of all that is there. The scars serve as reminders of a marriage I cherish and one that once was hanging on a thread because we were so busy. So busy listening to ourselves we could not listen to each other. So busy tending to the bills and the kids we couldn’t enjoy each others’ company. The scars serve as a reminder of a year when illness hung on our family like a dark cloud (and still does) ~ there are some issues I cannot discuss as openly as my own. I was once so skittish of hospital smells and sounds but they have become all too familiar and almost cozy.
I’ve received bad news from close friends and I wish I could do more for them then send well wishes and packages. I realize that God does not give us a load we cannot carry. But still, it is hard to see anyone (much less people we care for deeply) struggle at all.
There is that saying to worry about something “when you cross that bridge.” I always use to worry about everything and anything weeks or years in advance. But you can never plan that far ahead. You never know what will happen. My scars are a constant reminder. Not of anything bad. But of everything good in this world. All I know that is certain is unpredictability. All I can depend upon? Oh, well. I have been blessed with a wonderful band of lovely people in my life ~ a beautiful husband, kids, and the best family and friends who take my immaturities, drama, and oddities for all I am.