Field of Dreams

1400625693699 My daughter took this picture on our way home from Los Angeles a few weeks ago.  It was a great trip for her ~ their middle school band won Silver and the string section won Gold in the Heritage Music Festival.  It was a trip I was fortunate to chaperone; a trip which took months of saving funds.  I wonder often if the kids know how hard we work or the nights we spend calculating the cost of their field trips or sports tournaments.

I wonder if they realize my brain doesn’t work quite as well as it use to and I have to Google that Algebra problem to help her out or sit for a bit to figure out the best way to deconstruct the paragraph.  I don’t think they know I sit in bed before I fall asleep, worrying about their future and what this world will look like for them or that I secretly cry because I do have a child who deals with very difficult harder than usual teenage issues and I have two other children who, well, I just worry about because I am a sap…period.

Today, I feel as if the world let me down in a big way.  Popular won again…two years in a row.  Even after I prayed and whispered sweet everythings my daughter’s way…Popular won again in the student body elections at my daughter’s middle school.  She told me matter of factly and I was more outraged than she was but I knew she was let down.  I knew she wanted to make a difference.

I told her I was so proud of her and to continue to try to change the world.  I told ALL my girls they could change the world; that it wasn’t about popularity.  But in my heart?  I felt defeated.  I have been idealistic my entire life.  And I wonder if I have been able to make a difference.  I want my girls to be bold and strong.  And to stand up for themselves and what they believe in.  But at the same time, as a parent?  I don’t want their hearts to break.

There is no right or wrong answer here.  My daughter did good.  Shame on the student population but don’t adults choose leaders the same way?  Let’s not lie to ourselves.  In every aspect of ourselves we’ll make some right turns and we’ll make some wrong ones, as individuals and as a collective.  But I like to believe there is always, always room for improvement and when it comes to history, we can always change what it is wrong.

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